life and death

a birthday card from lamlet no. 3 made me smile: Happy Birthday Mommy ...

"i love you deeper than the oceans, i love you higher than the mountains, i will always love you wherever you are, i will never ever forget you..."

as i turned another year older, as birthday wishes trickle in on the eve of my coming of age, my happiness was clouded by a message unlike the others as it carried an ominous ring ...

my friend liz had been admitted to hospital. just a little over two years ago, when i first found out that she had stage four lung cancer, how my heart went out to her. a mother of two young boys, Liz was in the prime of her life. and how she fought the big C like no other.

in her blog, lizadventure.blogspot.com, she penned down every step of her journey, of how she changed her lifestyle, cut out salt, sugar and oil in her diet, went organic and took on a barrage of health pills. and how God was her strength and refuge, and how her faith grew by leaps and bounds. of her trials and pains as she struggled to understand and conquer that which she had no control over.

the last big battle was when her husband and she decided to raise funds to try out this somewhat new medical breakthrough which apparently had encouraging results for those in similar medical crises. it was by no means a small sum, and by God's amazing grace and generous friends, they managed to get the amount they needed in a very short time.

yet hardly had she gone through that many treatments, that there was news that she had to be admitted for water in her lungs. and today, as i'm enjoying the most amazing belated birthday dinner hosted by two good friends, news came that Liz had gone home to be with the Lord.

there are no words to describe her husband and children's agony surely. the ache that family and friends will feel by her loss. the inevitable is never any easier when it finally comes.

and i feel almost guilty, that even as i celebrate life, another has passed through death's door.

I suddenly thought of a bucket list ... again. years ago, when i had my first big 20-hour operation, it occurred to me that i might want to make a list of stuff which i may want to achieve before my time was up. and i wasn't inspired. simply because i was too depressed by the thought that death seemed so imminent. and really, i thought it didn't really make a difference as God would see through our smallness and hypocritical last minute efforts to make right all the wrongs that we had committed. i didn't want to just do stuff one last time ... i wanted to stick around for my lamlets, and watch them grow up, and be a mother to them.

that was then. since then, the show Bucket List hit Hollywood and it made people think a bit. Whether Jack Nicholas did right by going on his rounds of doing all the stuff he wanted to do before he died, or if it was wrong of him to drag his friend Morgan Freeman halfway around the globe along with him when he should have been spending his last days with his family and friends, the people he loved and treasured him back.

when I heard news of Liz, i thought this time, that perhaps it would be nice to visit some places and do some stuff before i go. i don't have the desire to scale mountain peaks or try some weird things. but as a friend pointed out, God probably wouldn't mind one having a bucket list ... so long as it didn't contravene moral and spiritual codes i suppose.

as the world mourns the passing of Steve Jobs today, i know people who would miss Liz and her smile and optimism and her guts even more. Goodbye, brave brave Liz, and may we meet again, in the House of the Lord ...